Last night, I was sitting on my couch, re-reading my copy of "Outrageous Openness" by Tosha Silver. (Highly recommend.) In the book, Tosha discusses all the ways in which she interacts and receives guidance from the Divine.
In recent days, I had had some odd dreams and recurrent thoughts about an old flame. I asked a simple question. Why do I keep thinking of Mr. X? Are there cords yet to cut? Am I summoning him through my thoughts?
You see, Mr. X was a wolf in sheep's clothing. There were red flags about this person everywhere, nearly as soon as I started to get to know him. I remember the first time we hugged, my thought was, "why does he need me to trust him so quickly?" I remember not feeling very comfortable. My own feelings were speaking to me, but at that time in my life, I was more used to chalking my emotions up to "just being anxious."
There were plenty of other red flags, but when you've been walking through a desert and not giving yourself love and self-affirmation, someone else love bombing you feels really good. He dispensed that drug and I was a willing user.
Meanwhile, I had been in spiritual development classes for years. Meditating, connecting with Spirit, my Angels and Guides, Mediumship, giving and receiving healing. HOWEVER. My trust in Spirit and in my own intuition was not yet that deep. When it came to Mr. X, I wanted to believe what he was showing or telling me, rather than each and every sign I received. Have I mentioned the pleading of my friends to stop dealing with him?!
Spirit was speaking to me about this from Day One. However, I stubbornly chose to believe in what I could see with my physical eyes, instead of choosing to believe what I could see with my third eye. Over a period of time, Spirit was communicating with me in a variety of ways.
* Through Dreams: Being shown that this was the type of person who would be unfaithful in plain sight, right in front of me. Seeing myself with him in dreams and being slapped across the face. Dreaming of being physically abused by him. Sometimes dreams can show us our fears, but sometimes dreams are also Divine Guidance.
* My inner knowing: Writing in my journal about feeling like I was being "bamboozled" by Mr. X.
* Spirit All Up in My Business: One afternoon before Mr. X was going to attend a dinner at my place with a few other friends, I had a powerful experience. I was sitting quietly and all of the sudden literally heard a loud voice saying to me, "YOU DESERVE BETTER!!" I don't quite know how an invisible spirit "shakes" you, but I felt physical impact, like I was buffeted by a spirit. Instead of taking the message to heart, I was more insulted that a spirit or guide would approach me that way! (Not smart. It was just that they were *that* serious. It was tough love, but my ego took it the wrong way.)
* Through Animals in the Wild. I was at my mother's house, conversing with her. Next thing I knew, we were hearing an animal in distress. It was loud and did not sound good. I went outside to see if I could locate it. My mother followed. As soon as I walked outside the lanai door, I witnessed a black snake who had a hold on a frog's leg. It looked like the frog was about to be consumed and was crying for help. Without even thinking, I grabbed a stick and swatted at the snake. The frog was able to get away and the snake fled as well. It was immediately clear to me that experience was a message and I took it to heart.
* Emotions. Sitting at a restaurant with Mr. X and feeling extremely uncomfortable, like I needed to flee. Feeling on edge, like some part of me couldn't stand to be in his presence. (Are you really supposed to feel on edge with a "soulmate?" Maybe one who is there to teach a painful lesson.)
*Oracle Cards. When You get the "Not For You" card constantly from one of Colette Baron Reid's decks and the "All that Glitters" (is not gold) card over and over and over......
*Angel Lights. I was watching TV. Just as one actor said to another, "He is in love with someone else" I saw a series of white angel lights directly above me. In the moment, that sucked. But it was true.
The situation with Mr. X was a nightmare. Much like the frog, I was able to wield a large stick and extricate myself from him and the situations which kept me tied to him. It was difficult, painful and it took me a very long time to heal. It was an extremely expensive lesson in not listening to my Higher Self and my Divine Guidance.
During this foolish time, I did not trust Spirit. Spirit didn't want to see me suffer needlessly and was trying to get through to me as loudly as possible. My own Being, my own emotions were trying to get through to me, but I did not listen. I didn't love myself enough. The fraction of affirmation and attention that Mr. X gave me was enough to get me hooked. I learned to give myself the affirmation I needed. Through this horrid experience, I learned to love myself more.
Now, several years later, I find myself receiving a contrasting type of Divine Guidance about a different man altogether. "This person is solid. This person is trustworthy." Being a bit of a stubborn sort, I will tell you I still questioned God and asked, "Are you sure?" My guidance has not wavered and I have learned to trust God much more.
This is a really long story, but I felt very inspired to share it with you for the following reason: You can open up to Divine Guidance. You can receive energy healing. Your gifts can develop. But you must learn to love yourself, trust yourself and for goodness sake, trust Spirit!
Trust the signs you receive. Like my own Ancestors and Guides were literally knocking themselves out to get through to me, your Guides and Ancestors will do the same for you. Please learn from my mistakes and listen to your own guidance.
By the way, it didn't take long after asking the Divine last night why I kept thinking of Mr. X. I got up to get a glass of water, when clear as day I heard, "Perhaps it is about forgiveness."
I could not have received a more perfect answer.
Wishing you many blessings and crystal clear Divine Guidance!
P.P.S. I am doing a special group distance healing session on the Winter Solstice for a small fee. Register for the group Winter Solstice distance healing here.